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The Positive Side Spring 2003
Volume 6, Issue2
Women's Words: Laurette Levy
Laurette Levy, 46
Toronto, Ontario
Diagnosed with HIV: 1991 (infected since 1985)
CD4 count: 600
Viral load: undetectable
Writer. Volunteer at Voices of Positive Women.
When I was diagnosed, I’d been living with my partner and his son for three years. We were planning to buy a house and the future looked rosy. Six months after my big news and his seronegative status, my partner left after having broken up with me via telephone. Very courageous indeed! After that, I stayed alone for two years. Then I met a wonderful man who, when I finally told him about my status, took me in his arms saying, “It’s OK, I love you anyhow.” A few years later we were happily married…or so I thought.
Although we were very aware of the risks and always practiced safe sex, my husband got more and more afraid of being infected. So I became less and less proactive sexually and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms. For the first time, I started to feel ashamed of having HIV — me, who has always defended the rights of HIV+ women! That was unbearable. The failure of our marriage wasn’t totally linked to HIV, but it had a lot to do with it.
HIV has changed my relationship with my body. At first, I didn’t see my body differently because I was healthy. There was no visible sign of the disease. But when I started to get sick and take drugs, my body changed. It’s difficult to deal with, especially for a woman, because the image of the female body is so strong in our society; you have to be thin, young and beautiful. When you hit your 40s, your body changes, and mine changed in a strange way. My arms and legs got skinnier and my breasts got bigger.
In my mind, I’m still desirable. It’s always pleasant to feel that a man is looking at you. But my body isn’t desirable anymore because it’s become a danger. In the last few years, I’ve avoided meeting partners because I don’t want to explain my situation. I’m still very afraid of being rejected, so I protect myself by not meeting anyone.
There are a lot more HIV+ people out in the gay community than in the heterosexual community. Gay people know what HIV is. They have sex. It’s quite different for a woman. Many HIV+ women don’t even have sex with their partner. True, there are other things, like tenderness and massage, but it wasn’t the case for me. The HIV+ women I know who do have sex lives are younger. So, with me, there may also be an age problem.
Personally, I’ve given up on sex. I find that HIV negative heterosexual men are not willing to have a relationship. I hope it’s not the same for every woman. When your partner is HIV negative, it’s important to discuss the issue. You can have a different sex life that’s more geared toward tenderness and massages, touching the other person’s body. You have to keep an open mind, be willing to explore new things, not always penetration or things you used to do when you weren’t HIV+.
Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Don’t be ashamed to be HIV+. Don’t feel plague-stricken and don’t let anyone make you feel this way. We can’t let that happen because it’s extremely unfair and painful. We cannot accept that.
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