FRANÇAIS TABLE OF CONTENTS PRINT-READY PDF PREVIOUS PAGE NEXT PAGE RELATED LINKS SUBSCRIBE
The Positive Side Spring 2002
Volume 6, Issue 1
Poetry
A List of Things I Could Have Used When I Found Out I Was Positive on 5.15.90
I am going to need a storage space, no,
a warehouse would be better,
somewhere large enough to hold
the shock and later to fit
in the anger, make that
rage.
I will smile and cope the best
I can as everyone asks,
“Does this mean you are just HIV
positive or do you have AIDS?”
I will need a place to put my emotions as I calm you —
you being mother, father, daughter, son, friends, lovers.
I will need skin as thick as the doctors’, as each
and every one will ask me,
“How did you get it?”
and even thicker skin if I am thinking about
dating or disclosing.
I will need an interpreter to help me understand
the language of treatment, activism, disability
HAART, NNRTI, AZT, PI, NGO, STI, CD4
this language will need to become second nature so I can understand
what is expected
then I will need a hefty supply of No
No, I will not be a guinea pig,
No, you cannot talk to me that way,
No, you cannot have one more resident look between my legs,
No, I need to see a doctor not a nurse,
No, I can’t volunteer, you have to pay me,
No, I have not found your savior,
No, I am not the face of AIDS,
No, I am not OK.
I will definitely need people who will
never tell me it is going to be OK
OK is over new game
I will need to gather all the reserves
each of us is born with
venture into that place reserved
for all those people
in the one moment before
they got hit by the bus
I am chosen now I need to decide victim/survivor
I will need lots of water, green grass, love, cookies and milk, naps, small animals,
time to myself, sex (yes, you can still have it), friendship, a full life, hope, faith,
forgiveness and a boost to get to that place where I am able
to cut the ties that have bound me my whole life
I get a chance to let go
because I have been given a glimpse
of the horizon in three little letters: HIV.
—River Huston
River Huston is an award-winning poet, author and journalist who is currently performing her one-woman show, Sex, Cellulite and Shopping: One Girl’s Guide to Living and Dying, across North America. Snippets from her book, A Positive Life: Portraits of Women Living with HIV, can be glimpsed on her website, along with photos of her dog, Buddy, at www.riverhuston.com.
From POZ, Special Edition, Fall 2000. Reprinted with permission. Copyright 2000 POZ Publishing, L.L.C. |
